A Mother's Prayer...

“Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what He has done for my soul.” ~Psalm 66:16.

To say that my life has not been what I planned on it being would be the understatement of the century. God’s plan for my life is something that I have come to see as incredible and the journey to get to this point has been long and hard. There have been sleepless nights. There have been tears. There has been loss, heartbreaks, and grief. There have been prayers prayed, battles fought, and lessons learned. There has been healing. Joy has been restored.

Early in the last summer before Momma fell ill, she and I were sitting in the dinning room having one of those talks that mothers must sometimes have with their daughters. I don’t remember everything that was said, but out of it all, one part sticks with me. It was the prayer that my mother told me she prayed for me. This prayer I now pray for myself and for my friends and family.

Momma prayed for God’s best for me.

A simple, yet powerful prayer that reaches beyond her death and into my life today and into my future, waiting for God’s plan to be revealed.

God’s best for me has been painful but wonderful. God’s best included the loss of my mother, the loss of lovers, and the crumbling of my family. A year ago, the final blow was laid and I fell to my Savior’s feet, broken and wounded, with nothing else to do but to allow Him to put me back together. And He has.

His best included pain because it took pain and loss to bring me back to Him and to His heart. In my pain I have found healing, love, and happiness. Today, a year later, I smile a smile of true beauty and my laugh comes from my soul again. I rest in my Savior’s arms knowing how much He truly does love me. I have come to know who I am in Him.

My mother was a wise woman. Strong she stood and fought for her family all throughout my childhood. Of course, like most children, I didn’t begin to rise up and call her blessed until just before I lost her. In my loss though, her friends gifted me with letters of their memories of her that I have read over and over again in these last two years since she was taken home. They tell a story of a different side of my mother. They speak of her smile, laugh, strength, out-spokenness, zany personality, and faithfulness. They speak of a woman who truly did change the lives of those who crossed her path. They speak of a woman who I am more honored than ever to call my mother.

In this last year, the reality that my mother is gone forever from this life has hit me and I have grieved. Grief is a very special and healing thing. It is something that you have to do for yourself. You have to find your own way through it. Loyal friends will be there to pray for and encourage you but that is all they can do. Grief is something you have to be willing to go through to find the life on the other end.

Never will there be anyone who will take my mother’s place in my life. And the strength of her prayer has been seen in my life. She literally gave her life for my good and for the good of my family. God saw fit to take her because it was good. In our brokenness we often cannot see this but as time heals the wounds and we submit ourselves to God’s plan, we see His love in these moments. How else does he draw us closer to Him?

As a result of my mother’s prayer I stand here tonight healed. Lovingly the pieces of my heart have been sewed back together by the hand of Christ Himself. My strength comes from the Lord and my foundation is laid in sapphires. Who I thought I was is nothing compared to who He has made me to be. My heart rests safe and secure in His everlasting arms.

As I go through the years the memories of my mother will always be some of the greatest treasures that I will carry. She was truly one in a million. She gave of herself each and everyday for her family and never wanted anything more than the best for each of us.

Forward is the only direction to go and as I turn forward, a smile is on my face and laughter is in my heart knowing that the hand of God guides my every step. All shall be well and many joys and trials await me in the days ahead but I am certain of one thing. With me I take the love of my Heavenly Father…and that is more than enough.

It is time to live…and to live well.

“I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.” ~Jeremiah 31:13b.

Blessings...

~Christine

The Next Thing...

“Win or lose it’s all the same, it’s how you take it that counts; and knowing when to let go. Knowing when it’s over and time to go on to the next thing. Things come suitable to the time, Velvet. Enjoy each thing and then forget it and go onto the next. There is a time for everything. There is a time for having a horse in the Grand National, being in love, having children. Yes, even for dying. All in proper order at the proper time.” ~Mrs. Brown, National Velvet.

A year ago today, I said good-bye to someone that I wasn’t aware I was saying good-bye too. A week later, a pain came beyond any that I had ever known, for all of my pains culminated in it. All of my unprocessed grief and loss came out. I was broken.

A year later I have come through. Those moments of pain have come to be what I knew they would become. Blessings. My greatest pain has truly become the greatest blessing of my life, for through it, I have found life. Not ease or comfort in an earthly sense, but I have glimpsed Heaven. I have come closer to the heart of God. I have learned that I am cherished, that I am forgiven, that I am never alone, and that all my dreams and longings will be granted.

Grief and pain have left their mark on me. I understand pain and I do not run from it. In fact, because I relate to it, in some ways I am drawn to it. I know the life that comes out of it. Grief and pain are two of the most healing and needed things for the human soul for they put us in touch with our humanity. They cause us to feel what we have truly lost…Heaven.

Perhaps, in some ways, I grieve more now than I did a year ago. It is a different grief. The tears, for the most part, have faded. The stabbing pain is gone. The feelings of being used and wasted and left for dead have all been washed away. I have been resurrected from that death. Now, a new chapter of grief comes: one where I truly feel the longing. Reality concerning the loss of a mother sinks in. It bears down upon me that I will never again see her smile, pick up the phone and call her, and never again will I be blessed by her wisdom. The loss of the lover does not pain me now. I see the blessing that was granted and I praise God that he gave the young men eyes to see what I could not.

My deepest grief is now one that perhaps many will not understand. I grieve because I am separated from God by my own failings and sins. In my growth, striving, and work I have come to realize that there is nothing I can do other than obey…and even that I cannot do without Him. I see my earthly dreams and desires as replacements for Him and for the idols that my heart seeks to make them.

A question has come to me now. How do I balance earth and heaven? How do I wait and hope with expectation for what I know is the deepest longing of my heart? How do I place the longing my heart bears in it’s place with peace and contentment, knowing that this will come in God’s time? I know that there is life to live in front of me. A beautiful life filled with so many blessings. I must live all of my appointed days with praise and thanksgiving.

Heaven will come, and my human heart grieves that it must wait. It waits with expectation for that day and it feels the pain of separation. This is the greatest denied desire.

As I write these lines this evening, one of my dearest friends texts to tell me that he almost died in his sleep last night. He awoke gasping for breath as whatever was blocking his airway was removed. I render thanks to God for not taking him from me. Reality hits me.

This earthly life is uncertain. We do not know what each day will bring us. We are not given the future to know. We are given the past to remember and learn from but what we often forget is to live in the moment given. This day. This hour. This minute. This is where God has placed me…and I do not know when I shall be called to leave it.

It is time to do the next thing. To walk, head held high, into this next season of my life. To open my heart and risk pain again. Time to open my arms to all that the Father sends. It is time to let the walls around my heart to fall to the ground and to shine with the beauty that the Father has given me. It is time to be who He created me to be.

I will never forget this year. I will never regret it. In it I gained the foundation for what comes. I prayed for faith and trust in my Heavenly Father. That prayer was granted. The wounds of my heart are healing. I am not complete yet. There is still work to be done and battles to fight. Satan still hates me. He will still try to thwart me. But I will win the battle for I know who I am…a Daughter of the Most High God.

Desires and longings have been submitted. Dreams have been sacrificed. True desire has been found. Openly and honestly I confess my failings and utter helplessness. Without Him, I am nothing.

The future comes one moment at a time. Each moment is given that I may glorify God. This is my calling and purpose. This is my chief end. All else is vanity.

I have truly lost my life. I stand here ready to take up my cross. All is sacrificed. I sit here, unsure what will happen but knowing that there is no fear. I rest in a battle that is already won.

Everything will be granted. This is His promise to me. He is everything.

“Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what He has done for my soul.” ~Psalm 66:16

Blessings…

~Christine