A year ago today, I said good-bye to someone that I wasn’t aware I was saying good-bye too. A week later, a pain came beyond any that I had ever known, for all of my pains culminated in it. All of my unprocessed grief and loss came out. I was broken.
A year later I have come through. Those moments of pain have come to be what I knew they would become. Blessings. My greatest pain has truly become the greatest blessing of my life, for through it, I have found life. Not ease or comfort in an earthly sense, but I have glimpsed Heaven. I have come closer to the heart of God. I have learned that I am cherished, that I am forgiven, that I am never alone, and that all my dreams and longings will be granted.
Grief and pain have left their mark on me. I understand pain and I do not run from it. In fact, because I relate to it, in some ways I am drawn to it. I know the life that comes out of it. Grief and pain are two of the most healing and needed things for the human soul for they put us in touch with our humanity. They cause us to feel what we have truly lost…Heaven.
Perhaps, in some ways, I grieve more now than I did a year ago. It is a different grief. The tears, for the most part, have faded. The stabbing pain is gone. The feelings of being used and wasted and left for dead have all been washed away. I have been resurrected from that death. Now, a new chapter of grief comes: one where I truly feel the longing. Reality concerning the loss of a mother sinks in. It bears down upon me that I will never again see her smile, pick up the phone and call her, and never again will I be blessed by her wisdom. The loss of the lover does not pain me now. I see the blessing that was granted and I praise God that he gave the young men eyes to see what I could not.
My deepest grief is now one that perhaps many will not understand. I grieve because I am separated from God by my own failings and sins. In my growth, striving, and work I have come to realize that there is nothing I can do other than obey…and even that I cannot do without Him. I see my earthly dreams and desires as replacements for Him and for the idols that my heart seeks to make them.
A question has come to me now. How do I balance earth and heaven? How do I wait and hope with expectation for what I know is the deepest longing of my heart? How do I place the longing my heart bears in it’s place with peace and contentment, knowing that this will come in God’s time? I know that there is life to live in front of me. A beautiful life filled with so many blessings. I must live all of my appointed days with praise and thanksgiving.
Heaven will come, and my human heart grieves that it must wait. It waits with expectation for that day and it feels the pain of separation. This is the greatest denied desire.
As I write these lines this evening, one of my dearest friends texts to tell me that he almost died in his sleep last night. He awoke gasping for breath as whatever was blocking his airway was removed. I render thanks to God for not taking him from me. Reality hits me.
This earthly life is uncertain. We do not know what each day will bring us. We are not given the future to know. We are given the past to remember and learn from but what we often forget is to live in the moment given. This day. This hour. This minute. This is where God has placed me…and I do not know when I shall be called to leave it.
It is time to do the next thing. To walk, head held high, into this next season of my life. To open my heart and risk pain again. Time to open my arms to all that the Father sends. It is time to let the walls around my heart to fall to the ground and to shine with the beauty that the Father has given me. It is time to be who He created me to be.
I will never forget this year. I will never regret it. In it I gained the foundation for what comes. I prayed for faith and trust in my Heavenly Father. That prayer was granted. The wounds of my heart are healing. I am not complete yet. There is still work to be done and battles to fight. Satan still hates me. He will still try to thwart me. But I will win the battle for I know who I am…a Daughter of the Most High God.
Desires and longings have been submitted. Dreams have been sacrificed. True desire has been found. Openly and honestly I confess my failings and utter helplessness. Without Him, I am nothing.
The future comes one moment at a time. Each moment is given that I may glorify God. This is my calling and purpose. This is my chief end. All else is vanity.
I have truly lost my life. I stand here ready to take up my cross. All is sacrificed. I sit here, unsure what will happen but knowing that there is no fear. I rest in a battle that is already won.
Everything will be granted. This is His promise to me. He is everything.
“Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what He has done for my soul.” ~Psalm 66:16
Blessings…
~Christine
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