A Foundation of Sapphires...

“O afflicted one, storm tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and lay your foundation with sapphires.” ~Isaiah 54:11

"You will see the faithfulness of God’s promises to you."

This thought springs to mind as I sit, windows open, the warm, humid breeze wafting through my apartment. Somehow promises and foundations seem to be trains of thought for the day. This week has been so odd and the trend continues. Emotional exhaustion overwhelms me. Multiple times today I have gone back to bed to try and rest but sleep escapes me. My thoughts are muddled with no clarity. There is no train.

But the sapphires caught me. What does it mean to have a foundation of sapphires? In thinking of those beautiful blue stones I think it must have something to do with strength and beauty. Rare, resilient, and glorious they shine and sparkle. As do the hearts of those who trust in the Savior.

Our pasts haunt us. In everyone’s life there is sin, pain, and death. It is so easy to dwell upon that which has been taken and lost. Childhood memories float around in our minds sometimes coming forward in crystalline clarity. For me, I find that I remember those days and often wish to go back and cherish them again for what they were now that they are gone. Reality is, I cannot. Those days are gone forever. Forever, they will live on in my memory but that is where they must stay.

There is a fine line between remembering and holding on. Life has seasons that often bleed into each other without well-defined lines. People come and go without reason or explanation. Then there are times when a clean cut must be made and people must walk away hurt. There comes a time in life when you learn the need to set boundaries. All of this comes in different ways for different people.

With remembering there is an ease. The memory comes and there is no pain felt at the mental image. For a moment the visions of what once was play upon your memory. Then it is forgotten again until the day comes for it to be remembered again. It is not dwelt upon. There is no clinging.

In holding-on we create an idol. We will find ourselves trying to recreate those days and force the days and people in front of us to conform to the image of the past. There is stress, there is strain….there is no peace.

This lesson comes to me today as I pray and ask God what it is that I must give up. This week I have been called to let go of an old friend, to give up a desire, and to learn to say no. All of it is self-death. All of it hurts and causes a death to my self-image. One more death to what I think and one more realization of who it is that Christ created me to be.

A year ago, I began a journey marked by pain. Now, it represents mercy, grace, and life. What was once one of the greatest pains has become one of the greatest blessings. In this year I have processed and placed behind me much. How much more is to come I cannot say but I do know that there is a well-laid foundation. I know that my foundation is sapphire…for He has told me that it is. This foundation, which was built with pain, loss, and humility, has now turned to beauty and will stand the test of time and all that Satan and his demons can throw at it.

Exhausted from the battle I sit here, calm in my heart but knowing that there is a tear behind my eye. There is a grief coming. There is a tearing away of an idol coming and I know it. But I do not run. I prepare. I make my heart willing to let go. I pray that I will be willing to forget that which I have held dear. There is no fear, only anticipation as I realize what comes on the wind. The clouds gather, symbolic on this Good Friday.

“Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.” ~Philippians 3:13.

“Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life.” ~Deuteronomy 4:9

These two verses seem to contradict, but truly they do not. It has to do with submission to God’s will. We are to remember the blessings and His faithfulness. We are to remember the journey our heart has gone upon. What we are to forget is the pain and we are to allow the past to become the past. It is the foundation. It is the cutting of the sapphires. It will become the setting of our heart and the frame of our lives.

Remember His blessings. Remember His faithfulness. Lose you life to find it. Death is not the end…it is the beginning. Deaths must be died so that we may find life. Suffering is a part of life, guaranteed to us by the life of our Savior who bore it all without complaint or fear. There will be a cross and there will be resurrection. This is why we keep the church calendar to remind us, every year, of the sacrifice that was made for us and the sacrifice that will be required of us.

“Then Jesus told His disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” ~Matthew 16:24-25.

Blessings…

~Christine

Bearing That Cross...

“And as they led Him away, they seized one Simon of Cyrene, who was coming in from the country, and laid on him the cross, to carry it behind Jesus.” ~Luke 23:26

“Then He poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around Him.” ~John 13:5

It is Maundy Thursday, the day that commemorates that last supper which has become so symbolic in my own life of headship, submission, nourishment, and life. This day remembers the last fellowship of Christ with His disciples prior to His sacrificial death. The day before He bore the cross.

I find that Simon always catches my attention. What were his thoughts as he was pulled from the crowd to lift up this heavy cross and bear it for our Savior? What fear was in his belly as he dragged it up the hill, the crowd around him laughing and jeering? Did he realize that he was representing what we must all do should we wish to follow Christ?

Michael Card sings a beautiful song entitled “The Basin and the Towel” which recounts the story of Christ washing the feet of the disciples. I fully recommend youtubing it should you have the time. The chorus is beautiful…

“And the call is to community,
The impoverished power that sets the soul free.
In humility, to take the vow,
that day after day we must take up the basin and the towel.”

That basin and towel is one that I know I often fail to take up. My self-centered nature doesn’t wish to die for anyone…much less for Christ and His will. My wants and my desires seem so important. How often do I forget the commandment given by our Savior to His disciples that night?

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” ~John 13:34

I am a sinner. So often I fall so short of any resemblance to Christ. I reach, I grasp, I plot, and I plan how to achieve what it is that I think is my best. This passion week I have been dying. Dying to my past and to my need to hold on to those in my life who God has called me to give up. I am scared to let them go for fear I may need them later. I have been dying to my desire to please and capitulate. But most of all I have been called to die to my own idols and visions of my dreams. I am called to sacrifice my Eden.

Tonight, I go to bed knowing that tomorrow will come and with it will come the last alone day of this passion week for me. Good Friday, the death of Christ, and the death, Lord willing, of all my sinful desires. May I die to my false self. May I see that to which I grasp and cling to. May I be willing to open my hands and to be willing to grant my heart to Him fully.

Death is hard. It hurts. I see it over and over again. In so many ways death touches and comes into my life. What I have come to know and believe however is that life truly does come from death. You really must lose your life to find it. You must allow God to take away the false self that you have built, to change you from the person that you thought, in all of your measly human wisdom, was who He made you to be. Death must be died before you can have life. You must suffer to die and it will be painful.

Five years ago I began a journey that changed my life. It started with falling in love with earthly things. I pray that this week that this chapter of the journey closes by me falling in love with Heavenly things more than ever before. I pray that my humanity and grasping would be slain on the alter and that I would be presented as a living sacrifice.

I pray that His will shall be done…I pray that I learn to bear my cross, taking up the basin and the towel, and that I am resurrected in His glory. I pray that my life may shine for Him and His will alone.

“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?” ~Jeremiah 32:27.

Blessings,

~Christine

Suffering and Resurrection...

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

The reading for the Tuesday before Easter in The Common Book of Prayer contains this collect.

“O Lord God, whose blessed Son, our Savior, gave his back to the smiters and hid not his face from shame; Grant us grace to take joyfully the sufferings of the present time, in full assurance of the glory that shall be revealed; through the same thy Son Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”

As I sat on my balcony and read these words aloud this evening, followed by the epistle and gospel readings for the day, I was caught by the reference to suffering. In my own life, I often have many moments of suffering amidst the many blessings that also are given to me. My response often leaves much to be desired. How often do I joyfully take up my sufferings? How often do I realize that these are what makes me Christ-like?

God has granted me a large portion of passion. My friends often laugh with me for my zest of life and the delight that I take in those things that I love. I throw myself in, often not thinking through to the end and I live the moment fully. Then comes those moments that bring pain and they are just as passionate as the moments of happiness. My tears come pouring down and my broken heart grieves for what was lost. The passion of joy and the passion of sorrow mirror each other.

You see, I know what I desire. In my humanity I often reach out of God’s timing and will, convinced that I know what it best, and try to take hold of that which is not given. The result, God must teach me to die to myself yet again.

Desire and death are two things that, thanks to the fall, must go hand in hand. Our hearts longs for heaven more than we know and we spend countless human hours trying to create that paradise for ourselves here on earth. And we fail. The desired object becomes the object of pain if taken out of God’s time. We cannot arrange for eternity here. Sin will not allow it.

Suffering comes as a part of the fall but it is also one of the tools used to bring us closer to heaven. It comes as a part of the life accepted when you chose Christ the King as your Lord. You become an enemy of the world. You are promised that you will suffer.

As I learn to place my desires before the throne of God, trusting Him with them and giving them to His timing, I must learn over and over again to not reach out to take them back. I must leave them at His feet and when I unknowingly take them up I must return them again with the proper repentance…and often along with that comes some form of pain and suffering.

In this, however, I have learned that the pain and suffering are not bad. I have learned to not run from the tears. I have learned to cast myself before His feet in humble repentance, to give my broken and hurting heart to Him for healing, and to confide the deepest fears that I only realize in the moment of brokenness to Him. You see, in my tears my walls fall down. I become honest with myself. I see my ugliness and sin for all that it is and this allows me to confess it. And with confession and the death required for repentance, a seed of life is planted. This seed begins to slowly grow and blossom, and when it is ready, in the fullness of time, the flower bursts forth and God’s beauty shines radiantly through me in the form of the smile and laughter that He so lovingly bestowed upon me.

If you desire life, be not afraid to take the path of suffering. Christ did and He obtained salvation for humanity. He obeyed and took upon Himself that which was not His to bear but that which no one else could bear. Suffering is the harder path. You will be confronted with much that you did not expect. You will see yourself in a new light…and then, finally, through the death and suffering will come the flower and the resurrection.

I promise…it is worth it.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.” ~Matthew 5:6.

Blessings…

~Christine

Greater Love...

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

It is Passion Week: a week that commemorates the betrayal and crucifixion of our Savior. For me, this year it comes with a pull on my heart from God. Today, while reading and praying, this verse was given to me. It has been a year for me since God called me to walk a different and difficult path; one that has torn me away from ideals that I cherished and clung to as false gods. In some ways, I have been playing chess with God…and the score currently rests with Christine 0, God “however many.”

Yesterday, I was asked to die to myself over something I cherished. Today, I mourned the death of a dream and turned heavenward for an answer to my pain. The answer came in the form of peace. I still do not know the end or the outcome but I know where I stand with God and that is all that matters. God answered a prayer that I prayer very specifically with the answer I did not want and while part of me still hopes that the answer may be wrong I know it is not. I die, I let go, and I turn heavenward in obedience to my baptism.

What does it mean to lay down your life for your friends? Does it mean standing in their place when they are dying justly or unjustly? Taking a bullet for them? Those endings make nice movies but in real life does it perhaps mean that we give up our desires and plans for what is God’s purpose for us in their lives? Does it mean doing everything for them or being willing to allow them to walk their own path? Being willing to hurt those that you care about when you know that it is for their own good. Do we save them from the pain that will only build them and make them stronger?

Tonight, the laying down of our life means to me to be self-death. Death to what I think is best for them and right. Death to what I want them to do. Death to my desire and being willing to accept the prescribed boundaries of the relationship. Being willing to be who God placed you there to be…be that the friend, the counselor, or the lover. It means being willing to let go of them when the time comes. To allow them to fade into the past if needed. It means you die to your comfort and hold those you love accountable to God’s law even if it does mean the death of the friendship. Being a friend means dying to yourself…over and over again.

God says that, “You are my friends if you do what I command you.” (John 15:14) He calls us to die as he died…to our desires, to our hopes, and to our dreams over and over again in the knowledge that all will be granted. ALL WILL BE GRANTED. Our human minds cannot grasp what that entails. The price of disobedience is too great. Obedience is shown to be the way of life over and over again. Obedience requires death.

But, from this death springs life, joy, and happiness. A life full and rich. A joy that does not fade. A happiness that overwhelms the deepest sorrow…but also allows us to still feel our pain and to grieve. Our God loves us. He chose us to be His children and calls us to the faith of a child. Is it that hard? Without Him, yes.

This is a week that we remember a sacrifice beyond all comparison to anything that we could ever be called to give. Christ, God incarnate, humbled Himself to take our place and laid down His life for us. His passion should be our passion. His obedience to the Father’s will should be our obedience.

Let us take up our cross and follow Him…knowing that as surely as He was brought back to life so to shall we. Our deaths are much smaller and our reward is beyond comparison.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these he will do, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it. If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” ~John 14:12-15.

Blessings…

~Christine

Placing Behind and Facing Forward...

“Be still, and know that I am God.” ~ Psalm 46:10

This verse graces the wall in the dining area in my apartment and serves as a constant reminder of where my heart should turn in distress and fear. Its simplicity often overwhelms me. It calls forth to my heart reminding me to remember the rock upon which my hope and faith are built.

Recently, I realized how much of my life has been shaped by the pains and hurts of the past. I daily remember them and relive them, sometimes almost as if they were yesterday. One grief will never go away…that of the loss of a Mother. The other two however, they may be safely placed in the past where they belong. They do not define who I am before the community or God. The pain caused by them has, for the most part, been healed. These three pains, significant events in my life that have in many ways led me to be the person I am today, need not however, be all that anyone ever knows of me.

Recently I was asked what it was that I liked…and I confess that I really had no answer. Being a people pleaser and a molder I often find myself doing everything and anything. This question has caused me to stop and think and begin to learn how to say the word “no” when needed. Then, I realized how little I know about who I am in the sense of whom God created to be.

“Who am I?” was the question I asked myself today. “What did God design me for?” “What is my purpose?”

Who am I is the simple answer…I am a child of the Covenant, a daughter to the Most High God. He is the rock to which my tether is lashed. It is in Him that I find my life, laughter, joy, and peace. It is His beauty that I daily pray will shine forth from me. He is my calm in the storm. He is my strength and shield…a very present help in time of trouble.

The other two questions will take a bit longer to answer…but the answer will come. God will show the path and light the way. A path in which trials and troubles will often come. There will be battles to be fought and tears to be cried. But always, ever and unfailingly there will always be that quiet voice that I hear in my sleep reminding me….

“Be still, and know that I am God. Trust me, oh faithful daughter, trust me. Wait for me. All shall be given.”

With that calm quiet voice reassuring my heart as I rest in my bed, chasing my fears away, come those everlasting arms, ever strong and yet so gentle. True peace and comfort find their way to me and with this I fall asleep with that unexplainable peace surrounding me.

A new day dawns…and with it His ever unfailing mercies which are new every morning. Day after day and year after year. His saints are reminded of this often and we often choose to forget it. He, however, remains faithful.

For me, the path has not been shown, but happiness and hope does light the way. I rest easy knowing that if it is for my best it shall not be denied. My happiness is assured.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

Mama - Il Divo

Mama, thank you for who I am
Thank you for all the things I'm not
Forgive me for the words unsaid
For the times I forgot

Mama remember all my life
You showed me love, you sacrificed
Think of those young and early days
How I've changed along the way [along the way]

And I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

Mama forgive the times you cried
Forgive me for not making right
All of the storms I may have caused
And I've been wrong, Dry your eyes [dry your eyes]

Cause I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you, I miss you

Mama I hope this makes you smile
I hope you're happy with my life
At peace with every choice I made
How I've changed along the way [along the way]

Cause I know you believed in all of my dreams
And I owe it all to you, Mama

The Proverbs 31 Woman...

Recently, I have been considering the virtues of being the virtuous wife as they relate to me. This morning it lead to a review of the last 22 verses of Proverbs 31 verse by verse in my journal. Here are my thoughts…

¹⁰An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.

-Be the young woman who waits on the Lord, work diligently, and trust. She is skilled in many areas. Worth pursuing. She waits to be pursued.

¹¹The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.

She is faithful with that which is given to her care…reputation, money, children, the home.

¹²She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.

She protects his reputation. She guards how she speaks of him. She is discrete, obedient, and faithful.

¹³She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.

She sees the purpose and blessing of faithful work…she seeks it and does it well.

¹⁴She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.

Caring for her family with wisdom in the food she feeds them, both physical and spiritual. Quality is most likely emphasized. Distance and work to provide this do not trouble her.

¹⁵She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.

She is not slovenly. This reflects back to earlier verses. Faithfulness with what is given. She does not expect it to take care of itself. She is on the front lines in her household.

¹⁶She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.

Her earlier faithfulness enables her to further bless her husband and family. This is further provision for them. She doesn’t do this without her counsel or her husband’s approval. This will be another jewel in his crown. This is an inheritance.

¹⁷She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.

She cares for her body. She does not grow lazy or cease to care for her needs. She keeps herself attractive for her husband.

¹⁸She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.

While she sleeps, that which she has invested in, planted, and worked for is still producing.

¹⁹She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.

She works…nothing is too menial to her. She is capable at everything.

²⁰She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.

She cares for those in need. She does not limit herself and her giving to her family.

²¹She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.

Quality. Her produce and attention to detail have made sure that those under her care will be well-dressed, warm, and their needs will be met.

²²She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.

She dresses well. Quality, once again. Her appearance will not bring dishonor to her husband. Her dress suits the situation. Also, her lovebed is well prepared.:-) Probably cute lingerie is involved somewhere.:-)

²³Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.

Her faithfulness and work in what he gives her brings him honor. He is blessed in his wise choice in choosing her.

²⁴She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.

Once again, productivity. Her produce is quality. She has more than her household needs so she is able to increase her husband’s income.

²⁵Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.

She is prepared for what may come. Her reputation and wisdom will stand against whatever is thrown at her. She does not fear for God is her strength and foundation. She trusts Him.

²⁶She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Her faith, experience and education have given her wisdom. She shares it, kindly and graciously, instructing others. She is not rude or abrasive. Her counsel is sought.

²⁷She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

She oversees, knows the ins and outs, accounts for the finances, feeds her household, studies scripture. She is always faithfully working, never slothfully lazy.

²⁸Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

Her work and faithfulness have not gone unnoticed. She receives respect and honor for all she has done and given. She finds rest.

²⁹"Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all."

His words of praise to her. He is proud of her, does not regret his choice of her as his helpmeet. This man adores his wife and will die for her.

³⁰Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Focus not on outward beauty or skills, develop inward beauty and all will follow. Fear God, honor Him and He will honor you. Faithfulness yet again.

³¹Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.

Her work and faithfulness will be seen and honored. She will not be forgotten.

Blessings...

~Christine