Just a thought...

Perhaps the Father holds back the heart's desire not just so that we may learn the lesson of patience and trust, but because He loves the ecstatic joy we have when the long-awaited desire is granted.

Blessings...
~Christine

A Mother's Prayer...

“Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what He has done for my soul.” ~Psalm 66:16.

To say that my life has not been what I planned on it being would be the understatement of the century. God’s plan for my life is something that I have come to see as incredible and the journey to get to this point has been long and hard. There have been sleepless nights. There have been tears. There has been loss, heartbreaks, and grief. There have been prayers prayed, battles fought, and lessons learned. There has been healing. Joy has been restored.

Early in the last summer before Momma fell ill, she and I were sitting in the dinning room having one of those talks that mothers must sometimes have with their daughters. I don’t remember everything that was said, but out of it all, one part sticks with me. It was the prayer that my mother told me she prayed for me. This prayer I now pray for myself and for my friends and family.

Momma prayed for God’s best for me.

A simple, yet powerful prayer that reaches beyond her death and into my life today and into my future, waiting for God’s plan to be revealed.

God’s best for me has been painful but wonderful. God’s best included the loss of my mother, the loss of lovers, and the crumbling of my family. A year ago, the final blow was laid and I fell to my Savior’s feet, broken and wounded, with nothing else to do but to allow Him to put me back together. And He has.

His best included pain because it took pain and loss to bring me back to Him and to His heart. In my pain I have found healing, love, and happiness. Today, a year later, I smile a smile of true beauty and my laugh comes from my soul again. I rest in my Savior’s arms knowing how much He truly does love me. I have come to know who I am in Him.

My mother was a wise woman. Strong she stood and fought for her family all throughout my childhood. Of course, like most children, I didn’t begin to rise up and call her blessed until just before I lost her. In my loss though, her friends gifted me with letters of their memories of her that I have read over and over again in these last two years since she was taken home. They tell a story of a different side of my mother. They speak of her smile, laugh, strength, out-spokenness, zany personality, and faithfulness. They speak of a woman who truly did change the lives of those who crossed her path. They speak of a woman who I am more honored than ever to call my mother.

In this last year, the reality that my mother is gone forever from this life has hit me and I have grieved. Grief is a very special and healing thing. It is something that you have to do for yourself. You have to find your own way through it. Loyal friends will be there to pray for and encourage you but that is all they can do. Grief is something you have to be willing to go through to find the life on the other end.

Never will there be anyone who will take my mother’s place in my life. And the strength of her prayer has been seen in my life. She literally gave her life for my good and for the good of my family. God saw fit to take her because it was good. In our brokenness we often cannot see this but as time heals the wounds and we submit ourselves to God’s plan, we see His love in these moments. How else does he draw us closer to Him?

As a result of my mother’s prayer I stand here tonight healed. Lovingly the pieces of my heart have been sewed back together by the hand of Christ Himself. My strength comes from the Lord and my foundation is laid in sapphires. Who I thought I was is nothing compared to who He has made me to be. My heart rests safe and secure in His everlasting arms.

As I go through the years the memories of my mother will always be some of the greatest treasures that I will carry. She was truly one in a million. She gave of herself each and everyday for her family and never wanted anything more than the best for each of us.

Forward is the only direction to go and as I turn forward, a smile is on my face and laughter is in my heart knowing that the hand of God guides my every step. All shall be well and many joys and trials await me in the days ahead but I am certain of one thing. With me I take the love of my Heavenly Father…and that is more than enough.

It is time to live…and to live well.

“I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.” ~Jeremiah 31:13b.

Blessings...

~Christine

The Next Thing...

“Win or lose it’s all the same, it’s how you take it that counts; and knowing when to let go. Knowing when it’s over and time to go on to the next thing. Things come suitable to the time, Velvet. Enjoy each thing and then forget it and go onto the next. There is a time for everything. There is a time for having a horse in the Grand National, being in love, having children. Yes, even for dying. All in proper order at the proper time.” ~Mrs. Brown, National Velvet.

A year ago today, I said good-bye to someone that I wasn’t aware I was saying good-bye too. A week later, a pain came beyond any that I had ever known, for all of my pains culminated in it. All of my unprocessed grief and loss came out. I was broken.

A year later I have come through. Those moments of pain have come to be what I knew they would become. Blessings. My greatest pain has truly become the greatest blessing of my life, for through it, I have found life. Not ease or comfort in an earthly sense, but I have glimpsed Heaven. I have come closer to the heart of God. I have learned that I am cherished, that I am forgiven, that I am never alone, and that all my dreams and longings will be granted.

Grief and pain have left their mark on me. I understand pain and I do not run from it. In fact, because I relate to it, in some ways I am drawn to it. I know the life that comes out of it. Grief and pain are two of the most healing and needed things for the human soul for they put us in touch with our humanity. They cause us to feel what we have truly lost…Heaven.

Perhaps, in some ways, I grieve more now than I did a year ago. It is a different grief. The tears, for the most part, have faded. The stabbing pain is gone. The feelings of being used and wasted and left for dead have all been washed away. I have been resurrected from that death. Now, a new chapter of grief comes: one where I truly feel the longing. Reality concerning the loss of a mother sinks in. It bears down upon me that I will never again see her smile, pick up the phone and call her, and never again will I be blessed by her wisdom. The loss of the lover does not pain me now. I see the blessing that was granted and I praise God that he gave the young men eyes to see what I could not.

My deepest grief is now one that perhaps many will not understand. I grieve because I am separated from God by my own failings and sins. In my growth, striving, and work I have come to realize that there is nothing I can do other than obey…and even that I cannot do without Him. I see my earthly dreams and desires as replacements for Him and for the idols that my heart seeks to make them.

A question has come to me now. How do I balance earth and heaven? How do I wait and hope with expectation for what I know is the deepest longing of my heart? How do I place the longing my heart bears in it’s place with peace and contentment, knowing that this will come in God’s time? I know that there is life to live in front of me. A beautiful life filled with so many blessings. I must live all of my appointed days with praise and thanksgiving.

Heaven will come, and my human heart grieves that it must wait. It waits with expectation for that day and it feels the pain of separation. This is the greatest denied desire.

As I write these lines this evening, one of my dearest friends texts to tell me that he almost died in his sleep last night. He awoke gasping for breath as whatever was blocking his airway was removed. I render thanks to God for not taking him from me. Reality hits me.

This earthly life is uncertain. We do not know what each day will bring us. We are not given the future to know. We are given the past to remember and learn from but what we often forget is to live in the moment given. This day. This hour. This minute. This is where God has placed me…and I do not know when I shall be called to leave it.

It is time to do the next thing. To walk, head held high, into this next season of my life. To open my heart and risk pain again. Time to open my arms to all that the Father sends. It is time to let the walls around my heart to fall to the ground and to shine with the beauty that the Father has given me. It is time to be who He created me to be.

I will never forget this year. I will never regret it. In it I gained the foundation for what comes. I prayed for faith and trust in my Heavenly Father. That prayer was granted. The wounds of my heart are healing. I am not complete yet. There is still work to be done and battles to fight. Satan still hates me. He will still try to thwart me. But I will win the battle for I know who I am…a Daughter of the Most High God.

Desires and longings have been submitted. Dreams have been sacrificed. True desire has been found. Openly and honestly I confess my failings and utter helplessness. Without Him, I am nothing.

The future comes one moment at a time. Each moment is given that I may glorify God. This is my calling and purpose. This is my chief end. All else is vanity.

I have truly lost my life. I stand here ready to take up my cross. All is sacrificed. I sit here, unsure what will happen but knowing that there is no fear. I rest in a battle that is already won.

Everything will be granted. This is His promise to me. He is everything.

“Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what He has done for my soul.” ~Psalm 66:16

Blessings…

~Christine

Nearer My God To Thee...

“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.” ~Jeremiah 29:13-14.

The hymn, Nearer My God to Thee, plays as I begin this post. This hymn echoes the cry of my heart tonight. The strains of the violin call to my heart, pulling it heavenward. The ache for more intimacy grows and deepens. An ache, a longing that will not be filled on this earth, cries and beckons. My hands are raised Heavenward but cannot reach. Humanity is mine.

Oh, that deepest of desires, that deepest of wishes…to know the Father, to hear Him call me blessed daughter, to bask in His love. I feel so far and yet so close. Many deaths I have died and many more are to be died before that day comes when I die my final death and find myself standing before Him, surrounded by those who, in this life, I have loved deeply. What a glorious reunion it will be…mother, grandparents, brothers, sisters, old friends…all of us there, finally restored and dead to sin, our identity finally know.

And there, through the crowd He will come…Christ, with His scars showing the price He paid in His love for us, and finally, finally my heart will jump for I will be with my love. As I run to Him, filled with reverence and awe and fall into His arms, which have so often held me in moments of pain and doubt, the tears of joy that will run down my face will be beautiful indeed. Rest will finally be mine and I will finally be with my best of friends…and surrounded by all those who encouraged and guided me on this path to Him.

Tonight, I long for this reunion. My earthly desires and longings are known for what they are…replacements for the longing of this moment. Tonight, I desire heaven. I desire rest. I desire love. I desire my Savior.

My heart cries to be nearer. Nearer only to my God. Humanity holds me back. This mortal body and this blessed life that I have been given restrain me. I do not wish to hurry the day for I know that far too many blessings await me in the days ahead. I will walk them…each and every appointed day I will serve…but I know that which I seek. Heavenly rest and peace. A Savior’s embrace.

"Hold me!” This is my heart’s cry as I beg my lover to return to me. I feel Him, I know He is there but the wall that stands between us is one made of my own failings and sins. To myself, I die. Realizing that there is nothing I can do but to surrender I fall to my knees and sacrifice my heart…it is all I have. It is all I can give.

He says you will find Him when you seek Him with your whole heart. I seek and find but space and distance remain. Am I to be allowed the intimacy I crave? Will He show me His heart?

As a woman whose heart cries for her lover’s return, or even to know if he will come, my heart cries tonight. The answer to this is the same as to my waiting for the earthly love.

“Wait. Hold fast to that which I have promised. I am with you. I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Remember me. Seek me. Call to me. I will come. You will find me when your heart is ready. Do not despair. Only trust me. Be still. Know that I am God. Wait for me!”

My heart cries. It’s loneliness and ache call heavenward. My call echoes the cry of those who have gone before. I echo the heart cries of those who have walked this path of denied desire. Denied desire that we may be strengthened before Him. Denied that we may be made perfect. He denies because He loves.

The lover comes…as He found the bride in His song of songs so too will He find me. I have been broken. I have given up. I lay here…all my earthly loves shattered and surrounding me as I see them broken. I am unable to bring them to myself. My arranging, letting go, control, and desire of them have not brought them to me. No, I cannot arrange for my heaven here. I must wait for it. It lies ahead, in the time appointed. Today, I wait, looking at my earthly desire knowing that it will only be given if it is God’s best. I send it away, uncertain of the outcome, knowing that the Father holds my heart in His hand.

I have given up. I only want my lover of lovers to find me. Nothing I have done has saved me. The death was died and life was granted. I accept this life. One of waiting, joy, trials, happiness, pain, blessings, death, and resurrection; will He come to me? In time, in His way He will. I cannot force His love anymore than I can force my earthly lover to love me. I raise my eyes heavenward and ask for Him. I wait for Him. I hold my hand out to touch Him.

Where is He? Still silent. May this death and separation be soon complete and may He come, the lover of my soul, and may he resurrect me. May I know the fullness of life that only He can give. May I love Him with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. May He come to me…

“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, that you tell Him I am sick with love.” ~Song of Solomon 5:8.

Blessings…

~Christine

A Foundation of Sapphires...

“O afflicted one, storm tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and lay your foundation with sapphires.” ~Isaiah 54:11

"You will see the faithfulness of God’s promises to you."

This thought springs to mind as I sit, windows open, the warm, humid breeze wafting through my apartment. Somehow promises and foundations seem to be trains of thought for the day. This week has been so odd and the trend continues. Emotional exhaustion overwhelms me. Multiple times today I have gone back to bed to try and rest but sleep escapes me. My thoughts are muddled with no clarity. There is no train.

But the sapphires caught me. What does it mean to have a foundation of sapphires? In thinking of those beautiful blue stones I think it must have something to do with strength and beauty. Rare, resilient, and glorious they shine and sparkle. As do the hearts of those who trust in the Savior.

Our pasts haunt us. In everyone’s life there is sin, pain, and death. It is so easy to dwell upon that which has been taken and lost. Childhood memories float around in our minds sometimes coming forward in crystalline clarity. For me, I find that I remember those days and often wish to go back and cherish them again for what they were now that they are gone. Reality is, I cannot. Those days are gone forever. Forever, they will live on in my memory but that is where they must stay.

There is a fine line between remembering and holding on. Life has seasons that often bleed into each other without well-defined lines. People come and go without reason or explanation. Then there are times when a clean cut must be made and people must walk away hurt. There comes a time in life when you learn the need to set boundaries. All of this comes in different ways for different people.

With remembering there is an ease. The memory comes and there is no pain felt at the mental image. For a moment the visions of what once was play upon your memory. Then it is forgotten again until the day comes for it to be remembered again. It is not dwelt upon. There is no clinging.

In holding-on we create an idol. We will find ourselves trying to recreate those days and force the days and people in front of us to conform to the image of the past. There is stress, there is strain….there is no peace.

This lesson comes to me today as I pray and ask God what it is that I must give up. This week I have been called to let go of an old friend, to give up a desire, and to learn to say no. All of it is self-death. All of it hurts and causes a death to my self-image. One more death to what I think and one more realization of who it is that Christ created me to be.

A year ago, I began a journey marked by pain. Now, it represents mercy, grace, and life. What was once one of the greatest pains has become one of the greatest blessings. In this year I have processed and placed behind me much. How much more is to come I cannot say but I do know that there is a well-laid foundation. I know that my foundation is sapphire…for He has told me that it is. This foundation, which was built with pain, loss, and humility, has now turned to beauty and will stand the test of time and all that Satan and his demons can throw at it.

Exhausted from the battle I sit here, calm in my heart but knowing that there is a tear behind my eye. There is a grief coming. There is a tearing away of an idol coming and I know it. But I do not run. I prepare. I make my heart willing to let go. I pray that I will be willing to forget that which I have held dear. There is no fear, only anticipation as I realize what comes on the wind. The clouds gather, symbolic on this Good Friday.

“Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.” ~Philippians 3:13.

“Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life.” ~Deuteronomy 4:9

These two verses seem to contradict, but truly they do not. It has to do with submission to God’s will. We are to remember the blessings and His faithfulness. We are to remember the journey our heart has gone upon. What we are to forget is the pain and we are to allow the past to become the past. It is the foundation. It is the cutting of the sapphires. It will become the setting of our heart and the frame of our lives.

Remember His blessings. Remember His faithfulness. Lose you life to find it. Death is not the end…it is the beginning. Deaths must be died so that we may find life. Suffering is a part of life, guaranteed to us by the life of our Savior who bore it all without complaint or fear. There will be a cross and there will be resurrection. This is why we keep the church calendar to remind us, every year, of the sacrifice that was made for us and the sacrifice that will be required of us.

“Then Jesus told His disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” ~Matthew 16:24-25.

Blessings…

~Christine

Bearing That Cross...

“And as they led Him away, they seized one Simon of Cyrene, who was coming in from the country, and laid on him the cross, to carry it behind Jesus.” ~Luke 23:26

“Then He poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around Him.” ~John 13:5

It is Maundy Thursday, the day that commemorates that last supper which has become so symbolic in my own life of headship, submission, nourishment, and life. This day remembers the last fellowship of Christ with His disciples prior to His sacrificial death. The day before He bore the cross.

I find that Simon always catches my attention. What were his thoughts as he was pulled from the crowd to lift up this heavy cross and bear it for our Savior? What fear was in his belly as he dragged it up the hill, the crowd around him laughing and jeering? Did he realize that he was representing what we must all do should we wish to follow Christ?

Michael Card sings a beautiful song entitled “The Basin and the Towel” which recounts the story of Christ washing the feet of the disciples. I fully recommend youtubing it should you have the time. The chorus is beautiful…

“And the call is to community,
The impoverished power that sets the soul free.
In humility, to take the vow,
that day after day we must take up the basin and the towel.”

That basin and towel is one that I know I often fail to take up. My self-centered nature doesn’t wish to die for anyone…much less for Christ and His will. My wants and my desires seem so important. How often do I forget the commandment given by our Savior to His disciples that night?

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” ~John 13:34

I am a sinner. So often I fall so short of any resemblance to Christ. I reach, I grasp, I plot, and I plan how to achieve what it is that I think is my best. This passion week I have been dying. Dying to my past and to my need to hold on to those in my life who God has called me to give up. I am scared to let them go for fear I may need them later. I have been dying to my desire to please and capitulate. But most of all I have been called to die to my own idols and visions of my dreams. I am called to sacrifice my Eden.

Tonight, I go to bed knowing that tomorrow will come and with it will come the last alone day of this passion week for me. Good Friday, the death of Christ, and the death, Lord willing, of all my sinful desires. May I die to my false self. May I see that to which I grasp and cling to. May I be willing to open my hands and to be willing to grant my heart to Him fully.

Death is hard. It hurts. I see it over and over again. In so many ways death touches and comes into my life. What I have come to know and believe however is that life truly does come from death. You really must lose your life to find it. You must allow God to take away the false self that you have built, to change you from the person that you thought, in all of your measly human wisdom, was who He made you to be. Death must be died before you can have life. You must suffer to die and it will be painful.

Five years ago I began a journey that changed my life. It started with falling in love with earthly things. I pray that this week that this chapter of the journey closes by me falling in love with Heavenly things more than ever before. I pray that my humanity and grasping would be slain on the alter and that I would be presented as a living sacrifice.

I pray that His will shall be done…I pray that I learn to bear my cross, taking up the basin and the towel, and that I am resurrected in His glory. I pray that my life may shine for Him and His will alone.

“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?” ~Jeremiah 32:27.

Blessings,

~Christine

Suffering and Resurrection...

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

The reading for the Tuesday before Easter in The Common Book of Prayer contains this collect.

“O Lord God, whose blessed Son, our Savior, gave his back to the smiters and hid not his face from shame; Grant us grace to take joyfully the sufferings of the present time, in full assurance of the glory that shall be revealed; through the same thy Son Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”

As I sat on my balcony and read these words aloud this evening, followed by the epistle and gospel readings for the day, I was caught by the reference to suffering. In my own life, I often have many moments of suffering amidst the many blessings that also are given to me. My response often leaves much to be desired. How often do I joyfully take up my sufferings? How often do I realize that these are what makes me Christ-like?

God has granted me a large portion of passion. My friends often laugh with me for my zest of life and the delight that I take in those things that I love. I throw myself in, often not thinking through to the end and I live the moment fully. Then comes those moments that bring pain and they are just as passionate as the moments of happiness. My tears come pouring down and my broken heart grieves for what was lost. The passion of joy and the passion of sorrow mirror each other.

You see, I know what I desire. In my humanity I often reach out of God’s timing and will, convinced that I know what it best, and try to take hold of that which is not given. The result, God must teach me to die to myself yet again.

Desire and death are two things that, thanks to the fall, must go hand in hand. Our hearts longs for heaven more than we know and we spend countless human hours trying to create that paradise for ourselves here on earth. And we fail. The desired object becomes the object of pain if taken out of God’s time. We cannot arrange for eternity here. Sin will not allow it.

Suffering comes as a part of the fall but it is also one of the tools used to bring us closer to heaven. It comes as a part of the life accepted when you chose Christ the King as your Lord. You become an enemy of the world. You are promised that you will suffer.

As I learn to place my desires before the throne of God, trusting Him with them and giving them to His timing, I must learn over and over again to not reach out to take them back. I must leave them at His feet and when I unknowingly take them up I must return them again with the proper repentance…and often along with that comes some form of pain and suffering.

In this, however, I have learned that the pain and suffering are not bad. I have learned to not run from the tears. I have learned to cast myself before His feet in humble repentance, to give my broken and hurting heart to Him for healing, and to confide the deepest fears that I only realize in the moment of brokenness to Him. You see, in my tears my walls fall down. I become honest with myself. I see my ugliness and sin for all that it is and this allows me to confess it. And with confession and the death required for repentance, a seed of life is planted. This seed begins to slowly grow and blossom, and when it is ready, in the fullness of time, the flower bursts forth and God’s beauty shines radiantly through me in the form of the smile and laughter that He so lovingly bestowed upon me.

If you desire life, be not afraid to take the path of suffering. Christ did and He obtained salvation for humanity. He obeyed and took upon Himself that which was not His to bear but that which no one else could bear. Suffering is the harder path. You will be confronted with much that you did not expect. You will see yourself in a new light…and then, finally, through the death and suffering will come the flower and the resurrection.

I promise…it is worth it.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.” ~Matthew 5:6.

Blessings…

~Christine